Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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