and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
