How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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