Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Is Oprah even human
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
