dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
