my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
