Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
