Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
