I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
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