Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
this is an emotional support booty call
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
