It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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