He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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