i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
