Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize