Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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