im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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