Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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