There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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