I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
