I feel like abortions should bother me more
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
