I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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