My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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