apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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