Just invented taco cereal.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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