I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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