I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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