My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
