Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
