I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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