she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
