If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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