so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
