I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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