and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
