Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
