You're earring is so big in my mouth
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Vodka?
Forever.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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