I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
