I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
