the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
