There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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