Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
