I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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