Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
