Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Sex in the backyard? Check.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize