Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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