His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
