I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Randomize
