in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize