we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
