i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
