Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
