my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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