Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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