as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
