I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
