I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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