Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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