Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize