he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
